I generally ask myself when weaving in and out of India traffic dripping with consistent layers of sweat, dirt and exhaust. I thought Id be back in Spain for the Feria in Sevilla en este momento pero estoy todavia aqui en India.
Its my first Goan rain in this very moment. Its thundering and Im absolutely delighted to tears. The electricity is down, which is often; but the music is still playing and the coffee is good and my breakfast is on the gas stove. This moment gives me the perfect mood to write.
Why am I still here in India? It has not been easy. I am drawn to raw, rural pueblo life. Something about a developing piece of the world that leaves me feeling as though I can "overcome". Rural isnt necessarily easier however; the land requires a different kind of strength from your body and yet I find it calms my nervous system as opposed to conveniences of the city the wreaks havoc unto my heart. When I enter my local spots I am now known and recieve the look of, "Oh, youre still here. Hellooo."
Goa was never part of the plan. A woman told me about Palolem at my school in Granada. I couldnt afford that area so I did what I normally do to guide me. Find an affordable place that makes my heart happy and that I can call home for a little bit. So I landed in Anjuna. My apartment has lots of plants, a pool and reminds me of my old home in LA. Its one of the reasons Im still here. The first few weeks during my Drupad workshops in Udaipur and Pune I lost my voice due to the air pollution. I entered a quarrel with my dear teacher, just as my lungs where starting to breath again I got poisoned by sleeping in a room suffocated from moth balls. It was no ones fault. The energy of India really spun the fear out of my nervous system. It was a spiritual force field to get through all while coughing my lungs out and holding the notes silently in my head. I left Pune early because I thought Goa would be ~cleaner. It is not; which is partly why Im so delighted for this rain right now. There were plentiful moments where my fear said, “Leave now. Fuck this shit. Go back to LA or anywhere else but here.” I had 3 recurring dreams that I went back to LA, unpacked all my precious material objects that I love so much, found a new home and was settled on my couch to only have the inner dialogue of “What did you do? Why did you go back early to Los Angeles. You let the fear win. It will be near exhaustingly impossible to jump ship again like that.” Thats prolly another reason why Im still here. Side note: Ive also had recurring dreams similar to the ones I had when I was living in the half abandoned hotel off the 101 in Willits, California. A remembrance that I forgot someone that I connected with. A place in time. A lost connection. Then Id struggle to remember who, where and how. Then Id wake up trying to pull the strings of remembrance … peculiar.
I wanted to explore Spain and Portugal because it is apart of my bloodline. I wanted to study Flamenco, work on my Spanish and come to peace with the Oppressor side of my DNA. After 3mths and 20 different beds I needed to land somewhere to ground myself. I landed in Goa, unknowingly where the Portuguese had conquered and spread the Catholic word. Coincidentally there is also a strong similarity to Goan and Latino culture. Howeva, I still stand, based off my experiences that south of the American border the humanity has an innate sense of humbleness. A warmth that hugs and greets you throughout the day. “Buenos dias. Buenos tardes. Buenas noches.” Despite the love and kismet reflections that I have received here in India for the most part its been a cold shoulder. Unfriendly. Many times the thought of “I could just be safe in Mexico right now,“ but I am not. Im in India its requesting that I birth a new sense of courage. Feeling as though Im learning to travel alone for the first time during the worst time of the year. Its hot and its going to get hotter. It took about a week and a half to realize an effort had to be put forth to learn how to survive the summer. It knocked me down a few times. I definitely cannot ride in the afternoon for longer than 30min. Learned that lesson one very hot Friday afternoon in traffic to go to the mall. I nearly passed out when I got there. Its not the first time Ive experienced falling onto a land with an energetic pull during the worst time of the year. 2021, broken ankle, stuck in the Emerald Triangle of Humboldt, CA during fire season. That was a fucking Fever Dream. I and others also feel that since Im gonna stick it out (unless the call of my gut tells me otherwise) that I should see the gift of the Monsoon season. I’ve been told that the rains also afford the opportunity to sit and get work done.
Driving in India is FUCKING WILLLD. Locals and myself all agree I should receive a certificate for learning to brave the skillset of navigating on a scooter in India. “Left side of the road. Left side of the road.” My house keeper and the security guards definitely were on the fence of whether or not Id figure it out. I took the scooter out once a week for a few months and everytime it scared the fucking shit out of me. Especially because I have a history of injury, leaving myself immobile, alone and in a difficult land to get around. Then one day, I was so pissed off at the encounters I had come across that I took my anger out on the streets and there it was, my confident LA defensive driving skills came through. Its still fucking dangerous and I did get into a minor accident exiting the highway because a car came to a hault (did not inform my parents). I was able to calm his Hindi down which generally starts at volume (scale 1-10) 8.5 and ended up giving him 1000 rupees ($10) for the damage even though it was his fault. There are cows, dogs, humans, bikes, potholes, scooters, high speed buses with their melodic horn at volume level BLARING beeping at you to move. So now Im like beep beep, “no you fucking move.” The area Im in has no stop signs or lights but in a way its kinda my style. In LA I rather bend the rules. Here, theres no rules- not really. Anytime I pass a cop I just avert my eyes or if they wave at me to pull over I just keep going. I do not have international license but you cant really get around without a ride and walking is far more dangerous. I overcame a huge fucking feat and now I can finally breathe. I can explore and when I have a tough day I can go for a cruise while listening to tunes. So, I guess thats one of the reasons Im still here. I can finally get around, figure the way of life and the night rides... are magnificent. I can see the magic now.
The music. When I had my Astrology Birthday reading my lady told me that my future has the complete opposite possibilities if I had been in LA. I had more of a chance to get tings done. That is another reason why I am here. I found a spot to open mic it up. To wiggle out my nerves to finally get to a place where I can be in my body and have control over my voice. The first night I did my spoken song word piece on Intimacy. It was rather quiet when I was done. I lit my joint as I had planned and supported the rest that performed. I grabbed a drink before I left and thats when folks came up to me one by one to say how they were moved to a place they didnt expect. The silence was them sitting in feeling and that is exactly what my intention is. I remember the lesson of Naad Yoga and Raga. How the silence is revered and to just stand in its stillness if it presents itself. I made a sweet friend and after our second open mic she said the songs make her feel overwhelmed if she fought against it but found beauty in surrendering and found that made her feel taken care of. Reflections like this is another reason I am still here. I also found a studio to learn Ableton. My soul mate of a Producer has entered the chat yet so I will do it myself. I feel after 3yrs of changing course it is now go time. God be with me... bc most of the time I still feel so alone.
Two last notes.
A meme I saw: “Listen to your intuition like its paying your bills.”
Its mango season now and I think thats another reason why I am still here.