2022 has been one long nap
no forced production
just a practice
of my system
deep reset

leaned into my shadow word "lazy"
and I can now rest proud of myself
the work Ive done
the courage to explore deeper to find the seeds that grew the roots of the narratives
knowing them doesn’t remove all the hurt but
assists me in changing the habitual thought patterns
In this moment, bc tomorrow might be different
I can feel my historical emotional body falling in sync with the knowing’s of my logical brain.

I am the villain in my victim story
I am courageous and yet I am a coward
(that word feels to harsh)
(Ive been seeking safety)
(is that an excuse?)
(did I just gaslight myself?)
I move in this world with the practiced intention of being my word
yet I struggle to keep the word to myself
I know that undeserved blame and shame, given by someone dear, is still an active trigger to my system
I come from a home as the black sheep
That circumstance is how I developed my voice, my boundaries, my ability to articulate all that I feel and think and found my depth of compassion.
Though I have forgiven and understand why all that was
My nervous system is still a few chapters behind
I feel those last few pages are the hardest to flip
because those stories are not mine.

“Is this mine? Is this yours? Is it theirs? Is it even ours to hold?
Do you feel the weight?
The weight of the guilt?
The weight of the hate?
The weight of the shame?
Its not for me to hold.
Its not for me to take the weight off your shoulders.
I’m sorry someone broke your heart but don’t you
put your shame on me.”

In this moment, because tomorrow might be different, I feel safe in my own body.